Name: European Supreme Dark Chocolate
Brand: CandyTech
Place Purchased: 99 Cent Only Store
Price: $.99
Size: 7 oz
Calories per ounce: 151
Type: Chocolate

Yeah, I know, you think I’m all about the expensive stuff. I’m really not. Some of my favorite candies are easily accessible and pretty cheap. I swallowed my “brand pride” and picked up this bar at the 99 Cent Only Store, just out of curiosity. I figured for 7 ounces of chocolate to be only 99 cents, it had to be bad, full of fillers.

It’s definitely sweet for dark chocolate (sugar is the first ingredient) without many dark chocolate notes (no bitterness, no smokey quality, no roasted notes). It smells good, like vanilla and chocolate, but the taste is a little bland. Though rather smooth, there are ocassional odd things, like lumps, as if it wasn’t conched long enough or was mixed wtih other less-conched chocolate. The bar was fresh and the chocolate had a lovely sheen.

I have to admit that I wanted to say that this was a fantastic bar and we should drop our pretenses that good chocolate has to be expensive. But good chocolate has to be consistent and have more chocolate in it. It might be good for something though, I can see it being good for cooking, maybe melting it and using it for those pretty zig-zags on some cookies or as shavings for the top of a cake.

Rating - 4 out of 10

Name: Peppermint Cup-O-Gold
Brand: Adams-Brooks
Place Purchased: 99 Cent Only Store
Price: $.33
Size: 1.7 oz
Calories per ounce: 124
Type: Chocolate/Mint

This candy cup has left me mystified. Is it really from Adams-Brooks? They don’t mention it on their website ... no one mentions it on their website on any of the internets. Have I stumbled across an inter-dimensional 99 cent store that sells candy unknown to us here?

Why is it called Cup-o-Gold anyway? The center is clearly white. The package is silver ... these things trouble me. But not enough to keep me from eating it.

Like the original Cup-O-Gold, this milk chocolate cup sports toasted coconut and almond bits in the chocolate. The ratio of chocolate to the filling is a little off. Upon my first small bite (not pictured), I didn’t hit filling, just chocolate. The second bite, which was sizeable (like the photo) didn’t hit filling. Finally on the fourth bite which by now meant half the cup was gone, I hit a small hidden cavity of filling. Instead of a light, frothy filling like the Cup-O-Gold, this one was a little tacky, a little stiff.  The mint was barely perceptible.

I bought this thinking it’d be like a milk chocolate Junior Mint - a gooey minty cream center. Alas, the coconut competes too much with the scant mint. If there were less chocolate and more filling, perhaps it wouldn’t seem so overpowering. However, the package does say thick rich milk chocolate, so who am I to go expecting things not advertised?

Rating - 4 out of 10.

Thanks goodness Ikea’s proclivity for sassy names does not extend to their treats at the food section. I have enough trouble buying candy shaped like rats that looks like the felt pulled out from a highlighter pen that I don’t need it to be further called Bjarf, Puke or Funkis.

Name: Licorice Boats
Brand: Aroma
Place Purchased: Ikea (Burbank, CA)
Price: $1.69
Size: 5.2 oz
Calories per ounce: 94
Type: Licorice

I gave these to Russ to try the other night and he agreed that, “The licorice in my licorice boat had already set sail.” These are definitely sweet - you just open the bag and the sugary smell permeates the air. But there’s no there there. The jelly center has a bit of a licorice perfume to it, but no bite. I think I’ve come to expect molasses with my licorice as it’s a good anchor for the flavor.

Name: Jelly Rats
Brand: Aroma
Place Purchased: Ikea (Burbank, CA)
Price: $1.69
Size: 5.2 oz
Calories per ounce: 94
Type: Jelly

They’re rather scary looking, and I’m telling you that’s the actual color - some sort of slightly translucent-neon hazard color. They also have a strong sweet smell infused with violet which didn’t thrill me, but biting into them I found a nice, tart and fruity jelly candy. The flavors aren’t complex or strong, but just nice. If I am planning on having a Swedish jelly candy though, I really want some Swedish fish.

Name: Marabou Milk Chocolate with Nuts
Brand: Marabou (a Kraft Foods division)
Place Purchased: Ikea
Price: $.99
Size: 2.4 oz
Calories per ounce: 128
Type: Chocolate/Nuts

This was the positive find in the whole experience. They’re little chunks of milk chocolate with crushed hazelnuts. Really creamy, very sweet with good nuts. The chocolate is smooth and the toasty taste of the nuts infuses it well.

It’s simple and satisfying. The roll is easy to share and I might make a point to pick these up at the start of my shopping experience at Ikea as a little boost. I ate them all before I finished typing this review.

Ratings: Licorice Boats - 4 out of 10
Jelly Rats - 5 out of 10
Marabou Milk Chocolate and Nuts - 7 out of 10

Name: Mike and Ike Orange ‘n Cream
Brand: Mike and Ike (Just Born)
Place Purchased: 99 Cent Only Store
Price: 33 cents
Size: 2.0 oz
Calories per ounce: 110
Type: Jelly

Mike and Ikes are made by the Just Born candy company. They make such love-‘em-or-hate-‘em products as Marshmallow Peeps, Hot Tamales and now Goldenberg Peanut Chews.

Now, this review probably comes a little late as I’ve found no mention of these on their website (that’s what I get for shopping at the 99 Cent Only Store). They’re a special edition of Mike and Ikes in Orange ‘n Cream.

Think of a chilly orange creamsicle.

Then think of orange aspergum.

It’s somewhere in between.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Mike and Ikes are great. Well, I’ve loved Hot Tamales for years. They were like the original Jelly Bellys because they actually put lots of flavor into the candies instead of those bland jelly beans that were on the market before. In fact, Just Born makes a line of Teenee Beanees.

Mike and Ike also put out a limited flavor last year called Root Beer which I liked in principle but not in practice. However, Just Born did the right thing by making the hotter version of Hot Tamales.

So, to sum up, don’t buy really old candy that’s been discontinued. They probably stopped making it for a reason.

Rating - 4 out of 10

Name: S’mores
Brand: Hershey’s
Place Purchased: 99 Cent Only Store
Price: 33 cents
Size: 1.65 oz
Calories per ounce: 145
Type: Chocolate Candy/Marshmallow

To follow up on the earlier review of the Cup-O-Gold I figured I’d contrast that with Hershey’s S’mores bar. The S’mores bar is marshmallow on top of a graham cracker crust covered in chocolate. If you recall the S’mores most of us have made, they were a toasted marshmallow (or two), a few squares of Hershey’s chocolate between two graham crackers. What was great about that combo was that you’d freshly toasted the marshmallow so it was retardedly hot in the middle and of cuorse melted the chocolate and the ratio being the dominance of the graham crackers (which also kept your fingers from being burned).

In this bar Hershey’s has the ratios all askew. By far the dominant feature of this bar is the marshmallow center. It’s not a traditional white marshmallow but a slightly tan version that seems a tad nougaty ... perhaps they’re trying to make it taste toasted. Much sweeter than it needed to be and lacked that meringue feeling that a good marshmallow has. There no graham cracker here. Instead the crust seems to be a crisco and cookie bits amalgamation. Then it’s covered in very sweet milk chocolate.

Too sweet, not enough toasty flavor and the graham cracker thing was just plain wrong. Move along, nothing to taste here.

See also: Taste the World’s Review and Writers/Artists Snacking at Work’s Review

Rating: 4 out of 10

Name: Milk Chocolate Covered Cherries
Brand: Queen Anne
Place Purchased: Vons? (a gift)
Size: 5 oz
Type: Chocolate (fruit)

First, I’m not fond of cherry anything. Fresh cherries are just about the only cherry thing I will eat. Maraschino cherries are absolutely not something I care for, they’re so artificial. My tastes have matured over the years and while I’m not fond of a lot of foods, I’ve grown accustomed to being able to assess them for what they are and even get some enjoyment out of them.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way ...

These morsels are soft cherries covered in milk chocolate. No clingy syrup, just cherries and chocolate. The cherries are soft and chewy with a strong maraschino. I like that there is not syrup to get in the way, and that the chocolate is thick. However, the sweet cherries have no tangy/tart bite to them and the milk chocolate, though smooth, is entirely too sweet and perhaps a bit waxy.

If mixed in with another bunch of chocolate covered goodies, I could see this being a fair contrast. Put it in a mix of nuts, perhaps brittles and pretzels and some good bitter chocolate and it might work out okay.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (I didn’t finish the package)

Name: Hot Rings
Brand: Lifesavers
Place Purchased: 99 Cent Store (Hollywood)
Price: 25 cents
Size: .90 oz
Type: Hard Candy

I know last week I said that we shouldn’t be afraid of strange candy. I might have done something stupid.

I found these Lifesavers at the 99 cent store. Branded with a little Sega Sonic the Hedgehog, I’m thinking that there’s another Sonic game coming out. I bought it, thinking it was cinnamon. And we all know that Lifesavers don’t come in cinnamon. They should. Reeds come in cinnamon, and I love those.

Upon starting my little photo shoot I look at the package and see this:

Since you can’t see all of it, they’re running a contest and if you have the right wrapper, you can win a variety of prizes. All prizes must be claimed by MARCH 1995!

This roll of Lifesavers is more than 10 YEARS OLD! And cost 25 cents!

I’m not sure if Lifesavers spoil. What’s a better question is if these were ever any good. I unwrapped them and found milky yellow Lifesavers with red specs. They smelled a bit like mint. Again, I was expecting cinnamon. I put one in my mouth and it’s more like pineapple with a hit of chili to it. Really.

All I can say is that I’m mystified. Here’s an ad from the mid-nineties with this Lifesavers/SEGA cross-promotion.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (yes, I might try another one)

Name: Maltimus Maximus
Place Purchased: Garden of Eden (Manhattan)
Price: $2.95
Size: 2.3 oz
Calories per ounce: ~150
Type: Chocolate (candy bar)

I love malt. I love really good malted milk balls. I will buy Ovaltine and eat it by the spoonful.

I saw this candy bar while walking around on a rainy night in New York and thought, “this is the candy bar for me!”

Oh, it isn’t. It’s clever. It’s cute, but lacks the real malt punch that I desire. It’s made by Cocoa Pete’s Chocolate Bars, they guy who says that he brought us Pete’s Wicked Ale. This is a guy who should know malt!

Opening the package it is a bar divided into four domes that can easily be broken off for easy consumage. Two domes equals one serving. It is a nice, if a little sweet milk chocolate with malt crunchies throughout. No matter which way I ate it (sucking on it until the chocolate melted away and left me with the malty bits) or crunching it down I never got that malty taste.

This is not the malt bar for me (I’m not even sure malt bars exist), but I’m willing to give his other bars a try. They’re a little pricey.

Rating: 4 out of 10